We’ve all heard the saying, “The family that plays together stays together,” and there’s a mountain of truth in it. Family dinner is one bond that holds true. That’s because the family that plays, eats, watches TV or otherwise interacts together also talks, shares opinions and viewpoints, laughs as they strengthen their bonds. Children across all demographics whose parents regularly engage them in dialogue are happier, as they receive regular reinforcement that their parents care about and value them. What’s more, they perform better in school, develop better language and communication skills as well as coping skills that will serve them throughout life. There are special benefits for girls, who are considerably less likely to become pregnant or to develop an eating disorder.
The Family Dinner: More Than Worth Its Salt
The pleasure of keeping tradition alive isn’t the only benefit of the family dinner. Studies conducted at prestigious universities including Harvard and Columbia show that children in families who dine together at least four nights a week enjoy significantly better well-being, with fewer drug problems and social issues, including a lower incidence of teen pregnancy and a much smaller likelihood of suicide. The act of sitting down and eating together naturally brings about conversation, which often begins with, “How was your day?” This broad question offers a chance for everyone to share, whether the answer includes an anecdote, an admission of a problem, or a silent shrug. Even those surly teens who offer only a grunt or a roll of the eyes will realize that you care about what’s happening in their lives.
Getting everyone’s schedules to mesh is the first challenge to pulling off a family meal. Any given family may not automatically take to sitting down together at a certain time to chat as they chew. If that hasn’t been the method all along, it can take some work to establish the family mealtime. Some kids may balk at the idea of asking Dad to pass the pasta bowl, simply because it’s something new. The biggest communication hurdle with most young people, adolescents especially, is embarrassment or inability in approaching a subject. An intuitive parent will likely recognize when a child has something on her mind, but there’s still the matter of getting her to talk about it.
Parents must use the available tools to make this happen, and that challenge gets bigger when the child is more reserved. In that case, you may have to get clever—just like when you smother that nutritious broccoli in cheese sauce. An effective way to break the ice is by making television a part of the meal.
You won’t want the TV on throughout every family dinner, but a thoughtfully chosen program can spur communication when dialogue is slow to come. It can also help keep young people seated when they’re inclined to eat and run (benefits are most notable when the mealtime spans at least 30 minutes). You don’t want to totally lose their attention to a distracting sit-com. Put on the news. A bonus effect will be the fodder for discussion, as some news topics can blossom into truly meaningful dialogue, depending on your children’s ages. With younger kids you might talk about ways to “go green” after seeing a story with an environmental bent, while you can get into more controversial issues (teen pregnancy, alcohol, bullying) with older kids. Under your regular parental management of the children’s viewing, TV can be a wonderful tool in getting reticent young people to open up.
That said, on most nights your mealtime discussion should be fun and free, or your kids may come to dread it. Try this: watch a cooking show and then talk about new recipes you can try for a future dinner. At the very least you’ll come away with a wholesome activity to take on together—and you may find yourself with a budding, young chef in the house!
Seize the Opportunities You See
Almost universally, kids talk more openly in the midst of something else, especially when they aren’t required to make eye contact. Lucky for parents, some perfect opportunities come in everyday scenarios: say, when you’re in the car or at the dinner table. In the car the parent must look at the road, leaving the son or daughter relieved that eye contact is out of the question. The dinner-table situation is better still, as everyone has the task of eating, passing the salt, buttering their bread, and so forth to occupy them while conversation flows.
In the same way, parent-child time in front of the entertainment armoire doesn’t have to be entirely about enjoying the show. Sure, that may be the focus, but the bottom line is it’s a shared experience. Again, you can broach many subjects after watching a thought-provoking movie or program together. In this way, a family movie night is a fun and natural extension of the family dinner. It gives everyone something to look forward to as well as more time spent together and thus more conversation.
Wherever and whenever you have it, this conversation time shows each child they’re an essential and valued family member. That may sound like a given, but adolescents go through so much uncertainty and spells of doubt that they may at times feel insignificant or unworthy. It could be something as simple as a schoolmate’s snubbing that makes a teen’s self-esteem temporarily plummet, and parental love and attention can help to quickly turn things around.
If your child has had the benefit of a lifetime of family meals, shared entertainment time, and open discussion, he or she will be far more likely to approach you with problems ranging from minor academic difficulties to life-threatening conflicts. Sometimes you may be aware of a subject you’d like to get into but are afraid a direct approach may backfire. Television programming can open a door to discussion for so many issues your kids may be facing. They’d rather talk about pop culture and not directly about their feelings and problems, so just work with it. Your child may be completely ready to divulge and discuss something—just as soon as you break the ice through their initial discomfort.
BIO
Debbie Bello, the publisher of TVRoomStands.com, has long known the value of the family meal. She enjoyed those special times each evening as a child, and she and her husband, John, established the same tradition when they became parents. Although their two children, Jamie and Joe, are now in college, they get together for family dinners at least once a week as the kids are in local colleges. The kids realized early on how fortunate they were, as so many of their friends’ families did not regularly sit down to eat together—and those friends eagerly accepted invitations to join the Bellos for a meal. With their busy schedules, the Bellos put a television on a compact corner media stand in their kitchen to allow for dinner discussions on the current day events and news.
Debbie, John, and the kids love to vacation together, along with their Yorkshire terrier, Sammy. Whether they’re fishing off the North Carolina coast or just enjoying a casual dinner out near home, they still talk about and share just about everything that’s going on in their lives. Debbie likes to spend her solo time working on her website and looking for new recipes to keep the family meals tastefully interesting.
